Control.

Up until six and a half months ago I had a personal mantra that held true in my life: hard work + good karma = desired results. Though simple, this formula was applied to the test numerous times in school, jobs and in my personal life and it often brought me favored and happy outcomes. There were many moments when things did not go as planned but I seemed to bounce back and situations inevitably worked themselves out. And several months ago I felt that it was important to apply equal effort into thinking positively and working hard, since I could not expect to get something for nothing.

It is now six and a half months later and I am working through a tragedy. I applied my formula to the most important event in my life thus far and it did not work. Indeed, it went horribly wrong.

A year before I got pregnant I started taking pre-natal vitamins just so that my body could be infused with the proper nutrition just in case I happened to conceive without my knowledge. Before that, Rob and I cut red meat out of our diet and tried to rid our cupboards of saturated fats and empty calories. At one point I took up running and made a more conscious effort to exercise and take better care of myself. Thankfully, I became pregnant with Henry at the peak of this healthy stage in my life and I was happily able to expound upon these healthy habits and integrate new ones. During my pregnancy FiberOne granola bars became staples in my diet and our fridge was stocked with fruits and vegetables. I never left home without my green Nalgene bottle which I dutifully filled at least four times a day to make sure I was properly hydrated. I stayed away from unpasteurized cheeses and deli meats and I was one of the first expectant mothers to get inoculated for H1N1. Rob and I read baby books, attended child bearing classes and I feverishly prepared our home for our little one. We did these things lovingly and with the excitement that only new parents can have. And we did these things with a blind trust, never doubting that we would have anything but the opportunity to raise our son.

As a person that put great emphasis into applying this formula in my life I cannot find the proper words to express the frustration, emptiness and anger I feel in not being able to have my happy and desired result right now. We gleefully applied the work into preparing for Henry's arrival and it continues to send a shock through my system that he is not in his crib right now. Whatever control I had in applying my formula in my life seems to have left since the day Henry passed away. Shock overtook us on February 9th and although we did not know exactly what was going to happen to our son after he was born not breathing, it never occurred to us that we would have to say goodbye to him so soon. After he passed away in our arms after just four days it became clear to me more than ever before, just how little control I actually have. I did not have control when I became pregnant, I did not have control when Henry was born 3 weeks earlier than expected and I certainly did not have control in the manner in which he died. As a person of faith I give up my control to my Heavenly Father believing that although I feel powerless, I have power in Him. And although my heart is heavy and my burdens feel overwhelming, that one day I will feel at peace. And one day, I will be reunited with Henry.

Yet as comforting as these sentiments are and as much peace as we find in everlasting truths and doctrines, we still have to find the strength to work through our grief. Each day we are still confronted with the reality of our situation. And as beautiful as it is to know that we have him in the future, it is also extremely difficult to wait for that blessed reunion. Many well-intended people have reminded us of the blessings of eternity but sometimes it feels that they forget that death and eternity are a long way away for us. We do not know what lies in store for us for the rest of our lives, but we do know that we will not be able to see or hold our son tomorrow; and today, we are forced to live with that pain.

We do not have a medical explanation for Henry's death. Despite the fact that my pregnancy was perfectly normal and Henry's delivery was seemingly ideal, the doctors are still perplexed as to why he suffered such extreme complications and subsequently passed away. I suppose that these mysterious circumstances invite interpretation since people want to be helpful to us in this time of hardship and tragedy. The most meaningful interactions we have had with people have not been with those who have sought to explain our situation to us but rather have just expressed their sorrow.

We do not have control in many things in our life right now but we do have the control to be human and to be grieving parents. And most importantly, to miss our son.