Life has not gone exactly as planned.
I did not plan on being in the situation I am in now nor could I ever have imagined it. Henry's death was an unexpected nightmare but sometimes it feels like living through these first months without him is more difficult than letting him go. Yet aside from the tragedy that we continue to cope with, life has brought other unexpected things my way, some of which I have been ready for; some I have not. Looking back, I can see that most of these little surprises in my life have afforded me with opportunities to simply grow, whether I have wanted to or not. I am not yet at the point in my grief or my life where I can comfortably say that losing Henry has caused me to grow as a person. And to be honest, I do not foresee that realization coming anytime soon. For the past eight months and as of tonight I am surviving and to me, survival does not feel like growth. But I know that in time I will feel differently.
But I must write and acknowledge that I do feel that in just the past two weeks my grief has progressed a couple of steps. There are many reasons for this progression (most of which involve Rob and other family members) but the one that has been the most apparent to me lately is my involvement in an unlikely project.
I have been honored to have worked on Peter Corron's gubernatorial campaign since the beginning of May and it has been an incredible ride. Initially, I felt like an outsider. I knew practically nothing about politics, especially Utah politics, and I was in the thick of my grief which incapacitated me significantly. If you have ever mourned a loss you understand the feeling of numbness that settles over your entire body. A grief so complete that it causes you to feel as if you are walking, talking and thinking through Jell-O. Any mental acuity or sharpness that I had prior to Henry's death seemed to have left with him and it was intimidating to be thrown into a fast-paced environment when my body demanded quiet. It took a while for me to feel it again; to feel the familiar adrenaline rush that comes from meeting new people, achieving small tasks and working hard. There have been growing pains along the way and naturally there were difficult days, but I realize now that my journey on the campaign has greatly impacted my grief.
The people in the picture above were once strangers to me and in the beginning it seemed like I would never be able to have the relationships with them that I knew I needed. They knew nothing about me, my background or what I had been through and I did not plan on advertising it until I knew I had a kind and trusted ear. There were only a couple of instances where I told someone directly about Henry because thankfully, I did not have to do it often. News of my circumstance trickled out and people that I had only known for a month mourned with me and helped me to feel comfortable, supported and valued. I am deeply indebted to this team of individuals who gave me a purpose when I felt like the one that I so desperately wanted had been taken away from me.
For those of you that are not aware, Peter is a Democrat and his running mate, Sheryl Allen, is a Republican. Over the past seven months I have had the opportunity to work extensively with both of these lovely people as a fund raiser on their finance team and I voted for them last Friday. They have my support for many reasons but largely in part that they are a bipartisan team in a very partisan political environment right now. I respect them and their values, which coincide with my own, and I appreciate their desire to make Utah an even better place to live than it is now.
If you have not already had the opportunity to do so, I encourage you to vote tomorrow (November 2nd) in what is turning out to be an extremely important race. It is our right as citizens of this country and also our duty so that we can keep our leaders aware of our needs and help our state and nation grow.
