Break.

You might have noticed that I took a little break from blogging for a while.  You also might have seen that during my sabbatical I briefly made my blog private. 

Well, I changed my mind.

During my break this blog was never far from my mind.  Amidst the stress of a new job, graduate school, house-hunting and yet another new job, sentences and phrases would randomly float in and out of my consciousness.  Yet it was not until a couple of days ago that the urge to blog struck me again.  The feeling came without warning and I must say that it was a delicious sensation.  Inspiration came at me from this blog. Months ago, a friend told me about "Glow in the Woods," a blog created for and by grieving parents, and I kept forgetting to read it.  For some reason, its title drifted into my mind several days ago and I took my first look.  I have not delved too deeply into its contents yet but after just an initial reading, I am intrigued.  Although not all of the site's contributors include the dates of when their children died, I noticed that on the ones that did, none of the deaths were particularly recent.  I saw several 2008's, a 2009 and even a 2007 on their listings and it caused me to pause.   

Anyone who looks at my blog will notice that I used it as a tool for my grief.  During the first year after Henry's passing, this blog quickly transformed into a forum for me to express difficult emotions and work out complex problems.  Due to the personal nature of my posts, it took time for me to compose my thoughts and although my posts from February 2010 to February 2011 are few, I am glad to have written something.  I am not a journal writer.  I have unsuccessfully tried to document the significant and insignificant happenings in my life many times but my ramblings have never amounted to much.  This little corner of the internet is the closest thing that I have to a journal and I find it incredibly ironic that my blog has morphed into the place where I express my personal opinions, thoughts and emotions.

After my latest post in February I felt like I was finished with blogging.  I was not only busy with school, work and family commitments but I was also pleased with the idea of leaving this space on a high note.  I enjoyed the idea of having my last post about Henry being built on themes of gratitude, catharsis and love.  But mostly, it was February 2011.  We had survived the first year of grieving our son and in many respects, it felt like it was expected that I move on.  (I must qualify that sentence and explain that no one was telling that me that I needed to stop expressing myself.  Indeed, if anything, everyone around me was nothing but supportive and that meant a great deal to me.)

I suppose that my silence was in response to my personal expectations and insecurities.  It had been a year and I had already written about Henry - what else was there to say?  Would I annoy people by continuing to describe such raw emotions again and again?  And perhaps the questions that plagued and hurt me the most - if I kept writing about Henry, would people grow tired of him?  Would the magic of his brief but incredible life wear off if I kept publishing my thoughts and impressions?  It has taken me a few months to get here, but I have gotten to the point where the perks of detailing my thoughts on Henry, the progression of our grief and the happenings of our lives outweighs my fear of the answers to these questions.  

So, with as little fanfare as possible and with no intention whatsoever to be on any schedule, I am ready to begin another chapter in this blog.  I am ready to give myself permission to write about Henry, Rob, art, family, exploring new places, Riggins, movies, books, food, our new house, things that make me happy, things that make me cry, and life in general.  

I am ready to be back.