Thanks.

Dear Henry,

On Saturday we walked into your little brother's room in the NICU and we were greeted with a marvelous surprise.  We were expecting another typical day with our usual routine.  Dad would work on the computer, I would read, and we would both watch and listen to Eddie's monitors.  Imagine our surprise then when we looked into his isolette and saw something different than normal.  Eddie was in there and he was lying in the same place and sleeping comfortably but there was a major change about him: he was swaddled tightly in a blanket and he was wearing clothes.  

I know that to other families the fact that Eddie was wearing clothes would not be unusual.  Indeed, I realize that what really is unusual is that up until now Eddie has not been wearing clothes.  Babies, children, and adults alike all wear clothes to keep warm and they wear them fairly soon after they are born.  Yes, most people wear clothes and that is what happens after most babies are born.  But you, Eddie, your Dad, and I know differently.

We know that sometimes babies are born in their own unique ways and they do not come like the others.  We found out that just because a baby is born and comes into a loving family that sometimes they cannot wear clothes, have their diapers changed, and eat from a bottle when other babies can.  Together we learned that what happens for most, or even some, children does not always happen to others.  And we learned that there are always exceptions.  And so far, you and your little brother have been blessed exceptions to almost every single one of my expectations of pregnancy, delivery, and life with a newborn.  Before you and Eddie were born, your Dad and I thought that almost every pregnancy was normal and lasted a full 40 weeks.  We believed that moms went into labor, had their baby, and that they eventually took him or her home.  And then you were born and life and our perception of it changed dramatically.  And almost two and a half years later, your little brother was born and our lives and perceptions have changed yet again.

But Henry, thanks to you we cherish each and every day of my pregnancies.  Although we have our fair share of worries, we are grateful for the times we know that your little siblings are safe in my tummy.  We rejoice over each and every ultrasound and every tiny movement because we know that those happy images and sensations do not stay around forever.  Thanks to you, we know that when babies are born that they are absolutely beautiful and that even though they cannot say so, that they already have their own individual personalities.  We also know that babies and their parents recognize, rely upon, and love each other with a power that can never be fully explained because it is simply felt and we are learning that the sweetness of this relationship never goes away, even if we may be apart.  We know that even if we do not live in the same house and physically see each other every day that we are very much involved in each other's lives and that we are growing together.  We have been taught this truth our entire lives, but we are learning it on our own and we are learning how to make it work for us.

And we are learning that even if we do not always look like one, that we are a family made up of parents and their children and that we all love each other very much.

I thought of you, sweet boy, when I saw Eddie in his clothes.  I thought of how seeing him so warm, snuggled, and safe was the first time that your Dad and I were able to see one of our living children in such a blissful and content state.  I thought about how nice that must have been for Eddie to be swaddled because he clearly looked so happy.  And I thought about how much I missed you.

But in that precious and momentous moment, I decided not to be sad for you or for us but rather I decided to think about this little note and what I would verbally say to you if I could see you.  I know that you have never been very far away from your Dad and me since we said goodbye to you.  I know this not only because I have felt you but because I know that you are like your Dad and that you protect the ones that you love and care about.  And so I know that you are especially close to us now that your best buddy is here because you have been watching over him and keeping him company.

And so Henry, I want to say thank you.  Thank you for guarding your baby brother and helping him progress.  Thank you for taking care of our entire family and looking after our friends.  Thank you for being our oldest son and thank you for being a part of our family.  I know that you know how badly we wish you were here with us so that we could experience the joy of Eddie's arrival together.  I know that you are fully aware of how much we miss you and how frequently you come into our minds and conversations, particularly as we spend each day in the sacred place that you were born and passed away.  I know that I do not have to tell you these things because you have been an integral part of this entire process but I wanted to tell you anyway because I am your mother.  And that is what mothers do.

Although I wish that it did not come about in the way that it did, the love and memories that we have for you enhance your brother's life and I am grateful for that every single day.  I like to think of the appreciation that we have for Eddie and everyone that will come after him as your gift to your brothers and sisters.  You have ensured that your siblings will be loved all the more not only by us and our family but by many others.   I am thankful that I am able to rejoice over Eddie's messy diapers, little clothes, and fine brown hair because thanks to you, and your being part of our family, I will never take them for granted.  Thank you.

Please continue to safeguard our little family and always remember that you are loved.

xo,
Mom